I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we're so committed to being not committed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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