my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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