I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Mom said you looked used
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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