I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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