my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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