I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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