I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
