i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
