did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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