You smell like a Billy Joel song
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
