I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
