we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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