I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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