I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i think i just lost a toe
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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