he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
