If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
