the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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