Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
