I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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