He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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