did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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