i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
