i think i have two assholes
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize