I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
