My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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