If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
