she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
