Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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