I am midnight drunk by noon
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
