He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
