so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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