this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
