I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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