get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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