OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
