Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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