You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
