The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I pour the whiskey from now on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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