she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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