omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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