got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
