You can't special order awesome
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
