I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
