you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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