Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
