Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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