Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm really busy with my period
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