dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
