I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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