I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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