no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
