I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just puked most of my soul out..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
