Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
