allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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