The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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