I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
