Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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