Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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