I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
