have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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