really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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